I think about the future a lot, and I’ve decided if I ever get married and have kids, my husband and I need to be openly loving in front of them. I want them to be able to see what love is and know that it exists, and once they’re old enough, understand that the person they love should be respectful and supportive of them at all times. I never really had an example of that when I was growing up, and I don’t think a lot of people do, sadly. So, if I ever get that opportunity, that is an absolute must.
It amazes me how I can give and give
And the satisfaction I get in that moment,
Seeing another person's face light up.
Unfortunately, the smile fades and everything is commonplace,
And instead of feeling happy and satisfied, I feel empty.
I never knew you could give so much of
Yourself to everyone around you
Until you feel like you have nothing left.
I’m going to give you Liz’s words of wisdom for the day, and I will admit that it’s taken me a long time to realize this, but here it goes.
Being a single 20 year old has made me think a lot. I’ve been single for two years now and that’s caused me to wonder why this is and in turn, has made me think less of myself in the past. Always, the only things I could ever come up with are, “I’m not attractive enough or thin enough or good enough etc.” Thankfully, I don’t think that anymore. Sure, we all have our bad days where we don’t feel as good about ourselves as we did the day before, but you have to realize that that day will pass and you’ll most likely feel better about yourself tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day, or the next day. The point is you have to realize that you have strengths and weaknesses that make you unique. Call me cliché, but it’s true. You enjoy the company of other people because they ARE different from you. Everyone has their own preference of characteristics they like in other people, and guess what? You, yourself, may have some of those. If you realize these things, maybe you won’t waste your time trying to be something your not to impress that guy or that girl that you’re interested in. Relationships aren’t meant to be forced or to make you behave in ways you normally wouldn’t, so embrace your strengths and your weaknesses. You never know, someone might just find them alluring. You really just have to let everything play out and not try to tamper with it, because what happens naturally will work out the best.
Do you ever become so infatuated with an idea of something that it’s constantly plaguing your mind? You’ll be thinking of one thing then it just switches to this idea or scenario that you create over and over, maybe with different events taking place but similar outcomes. It’s almost strange how if you think about something long enough you almost feel emotionally attached to it, as if it was truly your memory in the first place.
I swear guys have this radar that they know you’re done with them. Like you can decide “I’m tired of playing games, him not being serious about a relationship, etc.” and they fucking know that shit. You don’t even have to specifically say “I don’t want to talk to you anymore” but they’ll start being nice or if you haven’t talked in a while they’ll start talking to you more frequently or liking your pictures or giving you compliments. every. single. fucking. time. what the actual fuck. Can you just let a girl move on? Or at least not keep up this act like you’re actually going to get serious about pursuing a relationship. Lorddddd
My window is open and I can smell the rain.
Maybe it’s a sign that I’ve washed you away.
You’re not on my mind or clouding my heart.
I believe now’s the time for a fresh start.
I absolutely hate when people try to play games when it comes to others feelings. So often I hear girls say, “I’m playing hard to get” and sadly enough these days you almost have to. I’m not one to ever feel the need to act a certain way or do certain things to make someone interested in me, yet guys really will be uninterested in you if you text him to much or want to hang out too much because he thinks you’re being clingy or something absurd like that. Why the hell must their be “the chase”? That shit is so infantile and elementary. Grow up. If you both have feelings for each other then go with it. Stop with the game playing. It’s stupid, and girls are just as much to blame, too. Girls constantly complain about how all guys want is sex, which unfortunately in many cases tends to be true, but if you didn’t succumb to giving it up so easily guys wouldn’t think that every girl will be just as easy either. There always has to be ones that ruin things for good people.
I love you, but I don’t like you anymore.
I am that person that acts like nothing bothers them all the time. Maybe it’s not so much that I act like nothing bothers me, but I just don’t show it or talk about it. Just because I may not be open about my feelings all the time doesn’t mean they don’t exist because obviously everyone has feelings whether they want to admit it or not. I can admit that I’ve tried to make it seem like I don’t care about you as much as I do, but it seems the more I try to convince myself that the feelings I have aren’t there, the stronger they become. Every time something happens between us I beat myself up about it because I know better. I know I shouldn’t be physical with you in anyway because I know that it will affect me more than it affects you. I realize I put myself in these situations knowing the outcome and knowing the lasting feelings and emotions associated with cuddling, having sex, etc., yet I can’t just walk away. It truly kills me to imagine you not being in my life which has kind of made me realize why I make the decisions I do. We’ve always said we don’t want to mess up our “friendship” which is why we maintain just a “friendship” and nothing more. However, there have been times that I just can’t hold it in any longer and I’ve built up the courage to tell you how I really feel about you. I’ve even tried to make rules that we’ll abide by for some time until we revert to our previous ways. A friend of mine told me, "You want what you can’t have, so you settle for what you do have but don’t want." Her saying this hit the nail on the head; it fit me to a tee. I like being your friend, but I want more. I want a relationship with you, but I don’t ever think I’m going to get that. So, I settle for the occasional cuddling and the random hookups because having you in my life as my friend seems better than not having you in my life at all. Trust me, I know that’s probably the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard, but it’s the only way I can seem to understand my behaviors because I’m a pretty level headed person. I just want love and attention like everyone else. I feel so unwanted and unattractive all the time and I can’t help but feel the things I do. There are times that I wish I could just not have feelings because sometimes this really kills me.
I’m not the most perfect friend or girlfriend or any other role that I take on day to day. But I am the girl that will pick you up at 3 am if you need it. I am the girl that will ask you how your day went and truly be interested in what you have to tell me. I am the girl that can appreciate the silence and just be content with your company. I am the girl that gets happiness from doing things for others regardless how minuscule it may be. I am the girl that will love you unconditionally. I am the girl that will see the best in you regardless of your actions. I am the girl that is all of these things to a fault.